Christmas is such a weird (read – exhausting) time for families, right?

I had to step away from some of my high horse-ery about how all this shopping is extremely capitalistic and embrace the energy of being there for the kiddos.

In my ideal vision, massive family meals and gift giving and merriment and carols and music are a pretty regular part of society and don’t need to be relegated to only once a year.

Also I think it’s important to note that a truly connected religious person will or should feel a connection to their faith practice on most days. Not every day – we all get tired or sad. But definitely most days, you know?

Maybe I’m too stoic or cynical but really and truly I want most of us to feel the beauty that is at the heart of this holiday … more. Just more.

That being said! It is finally passed and we are deep in the heart of a New England winter.

Our Christmas was a sweet one. We went to see one of my brothers and two of his kids.

We hope to see the third for Easter!

But the kids played and shouted and ate and drink and descended upon Christmas tree beautifully wrapped gifts with a frenzy only young children can really honestly possess and it was a miracle.

My brother spend all day cooking and I’m so proud of him!

There were fireworks for the kids and it was honestly just a vibe.

But something happened which I’ve been processing I think since the day! And finally I spoke with my son about it last night and so finally I can write about it here!

My son and his cousin are very similar in age – she is … nearly a year younger than him. And both of them are being raised by completely amazing and bold moms. Naturally these kids are being raised to feel the power of their voices and the gift of their confidence; to see that their confidence is an invitation and a blessing and nothing less. They also share a bloodline which is feisty to say the least!

So needless to say they butt heads!

I observe cautiously and intently, never wanting to intervene too quickly, hoping to give them the chance to put all of their life lessons to the test.

Waiting to see if they can communicate to the best of their ability and also learning their limits and what they are now capable of.

Their youngest trio member – her little brother and my son’s little cousin – is a year younger too than her, so two years younger than my son.

My brother has a camera in his room which he can use to watch the kids so after a certain point we let them go upstairs on their own to play video games and drink juice boxes.

The camera thing will be discussed at another time.

But the point is they have some alone time and autonomy but are also safely supervised. Definitely a gift of the 21st century. A New Millennium experience!

So from time to time the youngest little guy would show up in front of us, in the most adorable way, sipping a juice box, tattling and asking for help just like he’s ‘sposed to do, saying, “they’re mad.” or “they’re not sharing” and finally “they’re yelling”.

My brother and little nieces momma had stepped outside to bring some presents to the car, and I was in the kitchen, when this tiny and adorable nephew appeared again, hair kind of askew over his eyes, juice box idly in hand, saying with the widest eyes, “they’re yelling.”

I went to the bottom of the stairs and had about a 45 second, truly magnificent window, into this argument.

My son would say, “it’s MINE” and his cousin would say, “NO, IT’S MINE!” then, “IT’S My TuRN!” then “NO! MY TuRn!” and as I was listening to gain some clarity and calm before running upstairs, triggered and upset and afraid – a trauma response and not a present or appropriate response AS thee mom. As I ascertained that they were doing their best to communicate non-violently and had also reached their limit of how they could communicate without some keys, resources, and grown up help, my brother and her momma stormed and flew in like a great parental tornado and my brother ran up the stairs. He got in the room and shouted, “Hey! Stop All This Yelling!” I chuckled and said, “well… that’s kind of missing the point. can’t really yell at them to stop yelling.” I turned to the mom and said, “I’m really glad they’re communicating in a healthy way.” and she chuckled kind of shocked and said, “That’s not healthy!” she kind of shook her head and I had a moment of awkwardness like omygosh I know yelling is not healthy for adults – but before I could start spinning out I just smiled and took a breath and followed my brother up the stairs.

The situation was already calm by the time I arrived up the stairs and they separated for a few minutes – my little guy back downstairs to play with some new Christmas prezzies.

But I was so proud of them!
And I still am!

Last night when I finally brought it up to my son he got really emotional. He said, “yeah because SHE took a sip of. my juice and forgot to ASK FIRST!” and we talked about it. It was a really good chat which will also be elaborated upon in the future.

This is an important lesson in consent, kids, and why forced sharing is such a terrible and dangerous idea!

But again – another time.

The first reason I was incredibly proud of them, kiddo’s mom and dad, and baby nephew’s mom might be silly. To someone who didn’t grow up around domestic violence or the institutional violence or maybe just the dark ages of violence before YouTube it might seem silly or even shocking – but the fact that they weren’t hitting each other was so brilliant. They weren’t hitting one another, throwing things at one another, or otherwise using their bodies to convey distress and frustration – They were using their words! Their words were LOUD but they were literally doing everything in their power to communicate what was going on with them. This to be is a reason for celebration. And when younger kiddo heard the decibals, his first response was to come and get some big people help.

Like – I’m sorry – what? Are we breaking generational curses over here or what?

Ugh – I am so so proud of all of us!

In my family there were certain communication blockages that sometimes were devastating. People couldn’t always say what they meant or needed and if there was yelling it wasn’t to communicate what they needed it was to fight. To insult or name call or be defensive – to instinctively try to protect oneself because one felt inherently and automatically unsafe! This was not the shouting I witnessed with our collective children that day.

To say this was a miracle? It doesn’t feel like an overstatement.

This kind of tiny human yelling was also the crux of the violence, upset, or awkward moments of the day.

No one got sloppy drunk and harmed another either verbally or physically, no one was really body shamed, insulted, called out of their name or intelligence – I don’t think my brother was being facetious or ver the top when he called it maybe the best Christmas we have ever had.

No offense.

But it was really powerful to have this experience and although I didn’t show it then it made me very emotional and again, just extremely proud of all the parents and kids involved!

Basically everyone was safe and I think it’s again nothing short of miraculous that we all could create those spaces for our children.

I really want to take the time to honor my brother today as well. Now since we have beautiful sibling relationships like Shuri and T’challa I feel more ease in saying that my relationships with my siblings is one of my earliest and most important connections! And I didn’t always know that we would make it to a point like this. Sometimes I thought we could never be civil, let alone as friends or sharing healthy connections of love! It’s very meaningful and the fact that my brother organized and pulled it all together makes me feel even better.

Our kids know how to communicate and trust the adults around them AND understand that their voices have power and that their voices matter.

It was such a small moment but it will go down in my personal history at least as such an incredible marker of success.

It was really a major, “we made it” moment for sure.

I want to say that sometimes when people of all ages really truly want to communicate they raise their voices! Not because they don’t respect the other person but because they think it’s so important to express what they need, because they want SO BADLY to be heard and or understood and are feeling things so strongly.

For me it’s so important to honor that and understand it. Not to run in and silence it out of some colonial notion of respectful communication but to actually pay attention to what is being said.

For kids especially and toddlers they have a way different limit of … what they can handle! Things like holiday gatherings are notoriously overwhelming and overstimulating at some point to even the most well regulated nervous system.

For me if I can remember it – I feel like times I may have been shouting and pushing or hitting kids as a tiny person, I didn’t feel like I could say how I felt, I didn’t have the vocabulary or language to actually even really name how I felt, and I felt so body conscious and insecure that I knew even if I did say what I felt it might be scoffed off or silenced.

I did not see *any* of that in any of these kids.

And I have to watch out too because when it comes to my nieces being assertive I stan so hardcore that I have to pause, take a deep belly breath, and remind myself that I’m the mom of my kid and not their cheerleader.

No no, I’m mostly kidding! But I do become so exhilarated and beam with pride when I imagine these kids and especially young girls growing up with a ferocious voice I really feel content.

When my son can tell me, “mom I feel sad when…” or “I am so frustrated!” or even if he sees me upset, “Mom! It’s okay, take some deep belly breaths, gosh!” I really feel proud of my generation and am reminded so much of the new era we are in and have helped to create.

A time when emotions are not penalized and punished and most significantly of all where the phrase:

A Child Should Be Seen Not Heard

is a silly remnant of a dark past and not some beautiful adult code of ethics.

@thebalkanbruja_

♬ son original – 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐌𝐩𝐳✪ – 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐌𝐩𝐳✪